Who Am I?

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If you have worked with me privately, you have probably heard me tell this story more than once.  It was a pivotal moment in my spiritual practice.  Years ago, I was in a meditation asking myself: “Who am I?  Who am I?  Who am I?”  Over and over again.  Deeper and deeper I went, seeing myself as “Mother”, “Body”, “Breath”…deeper down until I rested briefly on “I am Love.”  Yet, as soon as I was about sit and smile there, I heard a whisper bubbling up as if to say “Or am I hate?”

It was a moment that changed my life.  In that moment, I realized I really could be either one.  I could be Love or I could be Hate… there isn’t a right way or a right answer.  Think about that for a minute!   We don’t HAVE to be a principled person. We don’t HAVE to be kind to children or the elderly.  There is no judge or jury watching over us, in my opinion, it’s just choice.  Oh, and consequences.  That’s it.

It was in that one moment, I realized that both paths (all paths) are open to me; it’s which path do I want to live the consequences of?  The results that come from a life of love or a life of hate?  A life of fear?  Or a life of courage?  A life of distrust?  Or a life of connection?   There is not “better” than other, it’s choice.  And which choice do we want to live the consequences of?

It’s not always easy though, is it?  When I look around at angry and resentful crowds or read an article that incites more ugliness and fear…it’s hard to choose the Light or the Love sometimes, isn’t it?  It’s hard to feel good when there is so much evidence of “bad” all around us.

As I look out to a day that’s grey, to a community that’s lost, to a jungle of concrete – my focus can be pulled to negativity, to scarcity, to hopelessness.  From there, I doubt my personal contributions, my parenting the strength of our future, my service to humanity.  I feel that my showing up is all for naught and why bother and then that ball gets rolling.  Thought after thought after choice after choice.  The ride is on and my day is shitty.

Or, I can choose love.  I can smile, vibrationally speaking.  I can move in a way that spreads seeds of unity, of camaraderie, of love, power and connection.  I can show up in my life as one more force for good in whatever way that feels right to me in that moment and that moment and that.  Does it really help?  Does it even work?  For me, yes.  It does.  It does, simply, because it feels better.  It feels better to live my life feeling the consequences of feeling good than feeling bad and I show up differently there too.

Who are you?

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2 Comments

  1. I love this and the reminder of choice and consequences. When we can really step into the choices, it’s not such a burden as it can be when we feel like we have to be good and make the”right” choices all the time. Lots of it comes natural but some that should be so natural is so hard!

    • Yes, Nicole. Good point. I have always loved the advice: “there is no right decision, you just make each decision right.” ; )

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