“I didn’t want to bring it up in case you didn’t want to talk about it.”
“Every time I see you, I just want to hug you and ask how you are.”
“You are such an inspiration the way you are carrying on with such grace.”
“Your hair is getting so long.”
These are the things I have been hearing from my loving community. And, I thank you. For your words, cards, books, food, check ins, prayers and hugs. And, yes, I know from the bottom of my bones that I am so dearly loved. That I am so surrounded and held by such a loving and beautiful community. (I am slightly embarrassed to admit that I didn’t know all of this love and support was there 3 months ago. Not to this degree anyway and not in the way I do now.)
Bill’s death (3 months ago today, my beloved passed), has given me that. Pretty crazy. To lose a love to gain such love. It’s kinda weird to know that the greatest gift I have received from Bill’s death is this clarity. “The greatest gift I have ever suffered.”
Okay, so it’s 3 months ago today. How am I? My hair is long and I just can’t bring myself to cut it. It feels like if I cut it, he will really be gone. I know I have to eventually, and perhaps soon cause I know it looks and feels so heavy, but not quite yet. Not ready yet.
Grief is freaky. It’s a fucker. It’s a little tiny beast that pops it’s little head up in a sneaky way when you least expect it and then, before you know it, within seconds, it turns into a towering monster that overwhelms you. It doesn’t care where you are: Standing in the grocery store. Walking into a class. Brushing your teeth. It devours you within seconds, slowly taking chunks out of you til it wins, taking you to the ground; first to your knees, then flattened to the floor into a little puddle of such unbearable pain that the only relief would be if some kind and loving person could come by and help you by ripping off your very skin. Ha. Yeah. Good times. And these moments come and these moments go. And I’m riding them.
The cool thing: the main reason I allow myself to go there fully, instead of using my willpower to hurry myself through the ickier parts is, I have discovered, similar to how throwing up when you have food poisoning makes you feel better, letting these moments have their way with me actually makes me feel better! Going through these waves is a money back guarantee that I will arrive at a moment of tremendous peace like one I have never known. I know for a fact, I will land into feelings of such full and wholeness, such complete and total tranquility – it’s really indescribable – I open myself up to the journey. It’s unbelievable, in fact, that going through all of it, in the end, I actually feel closer to him, to God, to my truest Self when I “go there” and so… I go there. I give in to those moments of total despair, with complete and total surrender because it is there when I witness the Truth. The real and truest Love. The real and truest Peace. My real and truest Joy. And I am forever changed by these moments. One after another.
So, yeah, when I feel those tears start to swell, I get ready and I buckle up because I know it’s gonna be worth it. Because I know I’mma get somewhere good.
So, my sweet and loving community, that’s how I am.
I am touched by the angels.
And I am grateful.
To you. To that. To all of it.
I hope you feel my love,